You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
