please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
