we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
