i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
