Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
