youre lurking in front of me
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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