I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
