yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
