I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
