Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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