dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize