Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
