Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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