i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
