I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
