I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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