also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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