I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
