Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
