This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
