It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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