i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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