I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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