OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
