billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
