I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize