I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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