I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So much Jack, so little girl.
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