she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
