two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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