Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
