I'm going to jail i love you
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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