Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
