uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
