wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
