this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
