I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize