just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
