Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
