I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
