Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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