get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
