you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
