new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
