she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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