That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
His nipple licking is glorious
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