Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
