forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
