I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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