How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This toilet bowl is my home.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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