Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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