can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
