Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I could make wine with my vomit
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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