you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
