we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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