Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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